3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
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