you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
