Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
