The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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