I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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