There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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