I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Randomize
