I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
