My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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