i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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