The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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