But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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