My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
