they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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