I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
