I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
