My boss' voice literally gives me gas
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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