It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
