It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
