Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
