Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize