there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize