I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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