When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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