And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
