Church boner. Awkwardddd
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
