it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i was born a porn star she said
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize