I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
