This is not my ceiling
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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