Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
