I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Congratulations! We have a period
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
