i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
