remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize