DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
