Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
