call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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