I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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