last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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