i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Randomize