There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
