He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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