i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
