You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
cat food counts as protein by the way
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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