i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
