So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
