You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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