When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
This is the high leading the old right now
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize