Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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