As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
