True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize