I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Randomize