we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
