I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
