Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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