I'm so fucking centered right now
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
