Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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