This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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