There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
