Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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