Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
