I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
