Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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