After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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